It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
