somebody snuck up and got me drunk
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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