I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
