Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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