I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
now i know why i became what i already was.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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