Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
