There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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