I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
