either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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