omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
