....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Randomize
