Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
