I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
