It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.