and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.