just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
