i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
