Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
