Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
