But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
