Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Randomize
