I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
