I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
