This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
