I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
