It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
