My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
