I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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