is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
