I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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