I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
