I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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