Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
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You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
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and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
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