At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
