oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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