sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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