that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I think I just shit out all my problems.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
