Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
