My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
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Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
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Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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