no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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