I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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