we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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