I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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