I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
