I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
he thought i was a dude.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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