Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
