I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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