I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
