My first STD was from a foam party
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
