Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
