she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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