I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
