so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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