If that was your dad, he is hot
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
