just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
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She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
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Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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