"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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