Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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