If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
