Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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