My sheets look like a crime scene.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
